Monday, 17 June 2013

Pop: Ten reasons why you should get yourself a bisexual husband

Blip has a special talent for nails: fingernails and toe nails. All I have to do is ask and he makes my hands look beautiful, because sometimes its fun to be shallow and spend the evening staring at the ends of my fingers. He treats it very seriously, he lines up the nail varnish remover and the cotton pads and the varnish colours on the desk and very carefully cleans then paints them. He’s so careful with it, he even uses cotton buds to clean any drips on the side of my fingers, which is something that I would never bother to do. After spending most of my nail varnishing life lazily doing the three stroke and fuck the consequences method of making my nails look pretty, followed of course by an evening of picking what’s left off my skin, and then just painting over the old stuff next time I want to change the colour, I feel a little bit special when my lovely husband does it for me. Positive number one of being married to Blip is that I can always wear sandals and the tools of my trade as a writer always sparkle. 

Interior design

I very quickly found out that he has a special affinity for style. He always knows what will go with what and where something should be put in our room, or whether the thing shouldn’t be bought because it won't fit. It spreads to clothes as well, I can stand in front of him when I’m ready to go out and trust him to pick me apart or make suggestions about how I look. If I had a space that looked boring and wanted help decorating it, I know that I could trust him to make it look good. He’s willing to do it as well, when we watch property programmes on the television he’s always willing to be bitchy and judgemental with me about how the rooms could be improved. 

Gay porn

There’s nothing better than a guy who will watch gay porn with you. Self explanatory I suppose. 

Conversations about attractiveness of men. 

Its great having a person who you can discuss the merits of men with, as a replacement for having irritating female friends. Having Blip as a husband means that without having to bother with the frustrating prospect of finding time for other people, I can get the conversation topics that I might miss out on. 


When watching a television programme, if that question comes up in your mind of whether the guy is gay or not, having a bisexual husband means that you can just turn to the side and get a definitive answer. The same applies while walking down the road, or being sat in cafés. Having a bisexual husband is an easy and quick way to decide the sexuality of every person that takes your fancy.

No over the top manly stuff. 

Having a bisexual husband means not having to put up with any of the male posturing that makes feminists so angry. I never have to put up with him wearing lynx or angrily banging things with a hammer and there are never any of those awful plaid shirts anywhere near the flat. I get to live my life without him having to find ways to feel manly every few minutes. Also that means that he’s willing to clean and cook and generally help out with things that don’t involve tools. But being bisexual means that he can also change a lightbulb and wire a plug, or put up a bookcase if I need him to.

Can cook.

Cooking no longer has to be the woman’s job, having a bisexual husband means only 
having to set the table. I’d have to fight to be allowed in the kitchen at dinner time. He even bakes better cookies than me. 

Clean and tidy in presentation.

Well manicured nails, and neat and tidy hair. In fact his hair is probably in better condition than mine. Having a guy who’s in touch with his feminine side means none of that disgusting lynx spray infecting the flat, and never having to worry about excess body hair.

Good relationship with mother. 

It's nice to have a guy who will willingly keep in touch with their mother without having to be reminded to make the phone calls all the time. They get on almost scarily well, like friends more than parent and child and that makes much less opportunity for the normal tension and stress that comes from a woman taking the little boy away. 


What girl doesn’t want a guy that likes shopping?

I can't continue this ridiculous charade any longer. Even typing it sarcastically makes me feel a little ill.Humans seem to find it easier to categorise people. It seems to be preferable if somebody not only fits into a box but does so for the reason that we want them to. When a person has been bullied their entire life, not necessarily directly but through the general attitude of society being against an unchoosable quality in themselves, they are naturally going to make certain similar decisions.

Such a person is forced to an extreme, either to look inwards and accept themselves or to put up a front and hide. How we are treated by other people or how we see people like us being treated has a massive effect on our character. The ten stereotypical qualities that Blip possesses have nothing to do with his sexuality but rather the way he has reacted to the way that other people have treated him during his life. It is a very dangerous thing to say that he is like this because he is bisexual, or that because he is bisexual he must be good at interior design. Conversely it is dangerous to presume that because he isn’t flamboyant, he must therefore not have ever had sex with men. The only quality that bisexuality embodies is that a person is willing to have sex with men or women depending on who they are attracted to, anything else that society claims to be associated with the stereotype is there purely because of society and probably does not apply to even one human being in its entirety. 
The reason that we get away with such generalisations as people, the reason that some people will have read the first part of my post and agreed with me that Blip was like that because he was bisexual, is because we have allowed laziness to slip into the rest of our language. We don’t see any problem with saying that we don’t like horseriding, because its quicker than explaining that we probably won’t try it again after being repeatedly thrown off the horse on the one occasion that we tried it and we’re therefore too scared to try again.

We say we don’t eat meat because its quicker than saying that we don’t like chicken after seeing blood in it once and we’re worried that if people think we eat meat they might accidently give us chicken not realising the nature of our dietary requirements and we might have to see blood in our food again. We’re all obsessed with time and with saying things quicker so that we don’t waste part of our lives. Stereotypes make things easier and quicker for people who we don’t have to speak to or come in contact with but that we want to categorise and judge. We don’t have to bother to get to know people when all we have to do is find one quality and then build up the rest of their character from that. We find out that Blip is bisexual and we start to add qualities to him, each one that is unproven and therefore possibly true strengthening our conviction when we say ‘I don’t like bisexual people’ or the opposite, short-handing for what we really mean, which is that we met a guy once who cheated on their wife with a bloke and just happened to be bisexual, or that we met one bisexual man who happened to be good at manicures and therefore think that they must make better husbands. 


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